#Film Interstellar

-98caac85-f5ed-419a-8a2e-672a10473ea3As I try to go and watch films weekly, I’m actually not picky at all. You know what I needed to know to watch Fury? Brad Pitt and a tank. Why am I going to watch John Wick? Because Keanu Reeves is shooting people. So, I usually have the expectation of a 45 year old single dad in terms of hype. But then I get excited for some films. Quite a few ones are actually personal, like a form of religious service.

We’re talking about Christopher Nolan here. If I’m invested in a film like I’m actually a part of it, he’s the most divine one. So, I was hyped. I remember when I left the theatre after seeing Inception in 2010, all I ever wanted was to watch it again. So, I left nothing to chance. I arranged to see two screenings on the first Saturday (Friday was not available for the reasons I don’t want to discuss).

Uhm, what happened? “Once you’re a parent, you’re the ghost of your children’s future.” Once you were a kid, you thought space was the coolest. (Watch this animation and be sad for how much you’re getting old). I was expecting the ultimate space film to end all space films. I was expecting the coldest, meanest, smartest film yet. I love how you feel smart when you “get” Nolan’s plot points. I can argue how on Prestige Hugh Jackman lied about being cloned and that you’re a fucking idiot if you disagree with it. I wanted some ambiguity and some spectacular new planets; because I would kill to be able to create something like Inception’s limbo. I wanted this to be the coldest. Because space should be huge, soulless and cold, right? Yeah, even the Time article stated that Nolan is emotionally cold. He is a guy who is never seen without a suit and a tie. He shoots his films all buttoned-up. Well, he says “it’s a habit he adopted out of respect for the crew” but he also doesn’t use a cell phone, you can’t just e-mail him about stuff. Just to read; Jessica Chastain got her script watermarked with her name. She wasn’t allowed to keep the script after she read it.

Then again, what we have here is an essentially a Steven Spielberg film. You know, to quote moviebob, Nolan films are all about hyper-masculine view on emotion versus reason. Rigid stoic professionalism is the highest possible virtue and heroes who embody that virtue are brought down by the interference of emotional response. It was the plot of Inception. It was the Dark Knight trilogy. It’s not the point here. It’s like someone dared Nolan to feel something and make a movie about parenthood and cute hipster stuff; and Nolan, ever the robot and one of the greatest geniuses of our time, accepted the dare and made a film about love. I sarcastically laughed at every single “love conquers all” reference.

At the hands of Spielberg it would be so much different. (Again, do not presume that the reason of my bitterness for this film is because it was weak. It just wasn’t what I expected. My eyes were almost teary on the 23 year gap stuff. Arman actually DID cry.) But there are fifteen differences:-Instead of Dr. Mann showing up and yelling MATT DAMON! MATT DAMON! MATT DAMON! and MATT DAMON! (I thought he was Mark Wahlberg first and was immediately puzzled, also, do you need a link for this reference?) at us, there are aliens and bad robots. I’m quite serious. Cooper finds a dusty Chinese base camp on the planet so the Chinese had already discovered the ice planet 30 years prior with a 4 man crew & 15 robots. Nolan probably hates every depiction of aliens (except for the Alien series) and the last Indy film anyway. The original story loses the emotional connection between the father & daughter and instead it explores much more fully the relationship of Cooper & Brand as it grows. So, I don’t know what to say, Nolan can’t handle that yuck girl and boy relationship stuff but tries something even more fundamentally about love itself? I’m confused. They also find a laboratory containing a machine, which when turned on reverses the gravity inside the room and we’re relieved from Half Life 3 confirmed jokes.

We have a well-settled and dignified space drama. I don’t think it can get any smarter than this without being a documentary. Even the dust bowl survivors at the beginning were real. They weren’t actors at all. They lived through the real dust bowl of 1930’s. Nolan actually said “We could not in the film make it as bad as it really was or people wouldn’t believe it”. (Here’s hoping for a post-apocalyptic Nolan film. Something darker than Mad Max.) So in terms of realism, we know he worked with a cosmologist. I liked all glamorous space shots (more than that overrated Quick Time Events the Movie) and we did all our homework about space ye’ dimwits! expositions but nevertheless I was expecting Inception: Space Boogaloo. Also, six dudes leaving the theater claimed the film was not realistic because Cooper never ate or drink something in space and never visited a bathroom. I wasn’t this enraged at probable low points of human mental capacity in quite a while.

I’m adding this just to be sure we’re at the same page: I watched Inception five times, The Dark Knight Rises five times and The Dark Knight six times at the theatre. (Not counting watching at home).

Interstellar will only have three viewings and sometimes, you can’t make a Nolan film with Nolan.

#Update Upcoming DC and Marvel Films


Prepare for my non-biased, non-fanboy, not jealous of Marvel and totally objective* initial thoughts of the upcoming Superhero adaptations. As usual, we’re getting 2 to 4 Superhero films each year and some of them really look interesting to watch. Then again, I’ll be over thirty by the time a new Green Lantern movie hits, so let’s see how my thoughts will change over the years.

(*Fuck you, Marvel)


Before I declare my initial lack of hype for this sequel, let me add that I watched the first Avengers three times at the theatre. For starters, I have never read any of the Ultron series but I know he’s created by Hank Pymm, who we’re supposed to see just two and a half months later but somehow isn’t even in here as a cameo. We’re getting rumors of all kinds of cameos for the next 6 years in this film, so I think we should have him too. Then again, that Pinocchio music at the trailer and recently released “who is worthy of Thor’s hammer” bit makes me more excited than the first. I’m sure this will be a blast. But I’m not that excited for it.

Edgar Wright, sad face. I love Edgar Wright like I love Duncan Jones or Neill Blomkamp. I love how they play with regular scripts and texts and create something fun for people who have already watched way too much movies for their lifetime. So, when he dropped out I felt bad but I know Marvel does fun (Guardians of the Galaxy!) and action way better than everyone, so I guess Ant-Man won’t suck under the helm of Peyton Reed (who?)


  • Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (March 25th, DC Comics)

At this point, this film has to redefine everything we know about comic book adaptations. Everyone is ready to attack DC Comics because of the mixed reviews of Man of Steel and any inconsistencies in this film will be open season for shooting. Sure, I am a massive DC Comics fan, I love Batman beyond every other superhero ever (I also love Batman Beyond too) but I can sympathize with the internet. Every single scene should be perfectly executed for this and if its script is worse than the fake script we read six months ago, then even I can’t really defend this movie anymore. But I’m trying to remain optimistic. Because, Batman.

  • Captain America: Civil War (May 6th, Marvel)

This is why Marvel didn’t move their release date when both DC and Marvel slated their films. I was eager to support DC because Cap himself would never stand against both Batman and Superman, but now they have their reason. Civil War series is the only big Marvel crossover event I really loved (I also liked House of M but it was more of a what if storyline without actual continuity and it is widely forgotten now). Sure, not having Spider-Man in it will suck, they can’t just cameo every single crazy side character on screen but Captain America 2 was just great and the same guys are doing this film, so I have all the faith for it.

  • Suicide Squad (August 5th, DC Comics)

Did anyone watch Batman: Assault on Arkham? It was actually a Suicide Squad film with a cameo and I think it was the best DC Animated Universe film to date. They got two years for this but I’m still somewhat skeptical to think DC is going to make this happen. I’m all on board because Deathstroke, Deadshot and Harley damn Quinn are great characters to see on screen. Then we have a bunch of silly ones like King Shark, Yo-Yo, Captain Bumerang.. As a gritty and sadistic anti-hero film, this would be great for my liking but let’s see something, anything, about this first.

  • Doctor Strange (November 4th, Marvel)

All they need to throw in this film is Tom Hiddleston so all the tumblr girls who love him and Cumberbatch would wet their seats so hard, their stains on cinema seats would be there for at least two months. I think Doctor Strange should be a more seasoned guy but who am I to judge, magic realms are pretty meh anyways.


  • Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (May 5th, Marvel)

WOOOOOO. My favorite “who the fuck are those guys actually” film sequel. First one will end up being a better Star Wars movie than Episode VII probably, so I look forward to this more than that and the Avengers 2.  I even loved their just scribbled upon no-effort title card. 2017 will be a good year for Superheroes.

  • Wonder Woman (June 23rd, DC Comics)

Yay! At least we’re getting the obligatory “the important chick superhuman film or if we don’t all those feminazis and doormats and faggots will shoot us in sight. As if chick superhero films work, meh” movie before Marvel! Marvel’s girl film is way less important than Wonder Woman in every aspect, so I’m kinda glad we’re getting Gal Gadot doing stuff first. (I would get Thor’s Lady Sif instead of her but Gal is divinely beautiful so, eh.)

  • Thor: Ragnarok (July 28th, Marvel)

More Tumblr girl stuff. I kinda liked the second Thor film but a trilogy feels dragging it. He’s not that interesting of a character because he’s not brutally and mythologically murdering everyone he sees. Marvel guys are already exaggerating this film’s importance for setting up the upcoming films so, if it has less of a Tumblr appeal and more hacking and slashing, all right.

Obligatory Black Dude film. I have almost zero interest for this. I loved the concept art, making his fabulous necklace a part of the costume. But I don’t know about his villains and I don’t know anything about T’Challa except he got hitched to Storm from the X-Men and they cannot do that because of Fox so, eh.

  • Justice League (November 17th, DC Comics)

All I wonder is if they are shooting this film with Batman v. Superman or not. Obviously I am more excited to see this on screen more than anything. But in accordance with my other preconceived opinions, I need to see something first. This could be the greatest Superhero film ever done or it can be another Green Lantern all over again. New 52’s opening act for Justice League felt like the most generic hero team up ever, so I hope they’re not adapting that here.


  • The Flash (March 23rd, DC Comics)

I love the character and read all his New 52 issues so far. The TV series is also growing on me, for I don’t like Green Arrow and don’t want to be left behind anymore. I hope they tackle the Rouges instead of Gorilla Grodd but given that the DC Comics adaptations infamously hate their silly comic book origins, we probably would get them first.

So Captain America will probably die in Civil War and Iron Man will die in this one. They’re already flirting with the option of a full roaster change, so this will be another “see you next year, wink wink” film. It’ll be fucking epic though. After waiting Thanos to kick some ass for five years, it damn sure should pay off.

  • Captain Marvel (July 6th, Marvel)

Ah! Marvel’s sad attempt on “of course girls also can be superheroes but not Black Widow, she’s boring, look, a hot blond who can fly please like us feminazis” the film. Carol Danvers? Blegh. She’s so overwritten and retconned and stuff, no one cares if they reinvent a completely new backstory for her.

  • Aquaman (July 27th, DC Comics)

My favorite non-Batman character! Hooray! I know the old Super-Friends cartoon renders Aquaman pretty useless but he’s a badass in the New 52. From day one (that means 2011) I followed Aquaman with great vigor and I’m on board with using a savage Game of Thrones barbarian bastard as Arthur, too. I love the Throne of Atlantis (That should make Justice League 2, I mean, Justice League Part II will make Justice League 2 but they’ll probably end up sharing a punch contest with Darkseid a bit much further so, I hope for a JL: Throne of Atlantis in 2024 even if I’m married with children. I guess.)

  • Inhumans (November 2nd, Marvel)

Wasn’t the leader of the Inhumans have a capability of screaming so loud? That’s all I care about Inhumans. Let’s see the casting and a trailer and I dunno, a good comic book first?


  • Shazam! (April 5th, DC Comics)

They have an army. We have a ROCK. ROCK! Rock is the ultimate boy movie audience gatherer. I’m really glad DC bagged him before Marvel tried to use him as Luke Cage and earned another billion dollars on a boring street level character that should only be reserved for TV. (Hello Daredevil) The character isn’t all that interesting again, but The Rock is always nice.

  • Avengers: Infinity War, Part II (May 3rd, Marvel)

By now I said everything about the Avengers. This should be the ultimate comic book adaptation in the event of a Justice Leauge failure. Let’s also see if Bucky is going to make a good Captain America or will they enforce a female Thor in this one. I’m waiting for a great Tony Stark death on comics in this five years and I dunno, a Tony Stark Jr. from some random accident? There probably will be.

  • Justice League, Part II (June 14th, DC Comics)

Oh hooray, We’ll be watching the same film twice in a year. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC.


  • Cyborg (April 3rd, DC Comics)

Obligatory Black Dude film from DC. He doesn’t even has a solo title, how the heck will they make this work aside from countless cameos? We’ll see if I continue to care about this kind of stuff (I probably will, when I was 16, I would think I’d already be a fucking millionaire.)

  • Green Lantern (June 19th, DC Comics)

I hope this will be the Obligatory Black Dude Film 2 but Idris Elba will be a grandparent by 2020. Will we have any new black cool dudes except him or Will Smith? Oh, sorry for my casual racism.

So, in summary, I don’t wanna believe in Marvel but I do, I want to believe in DC Comics but I really can’t. Let’s see together how it’s going to go down.

#film Fury


War. War never changes.

The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower.

But war never changes.

Also war movies. Every single war movie always depicts how fucking horrible human beings actually are. War movies never change. Like, you can get Adrien Brody for hipsters, you can get motherfucking Spielberg to make an epic fairy tale with big words or you can make Hitler memes for everything; or you can get a nut job to kill Hitler at a theatre. This one? Using Apple words, unapologetically brutal. You’ve watched Keanu Reeves’ Street Kings or Christian Bale’s Harsh Times? FUBAR cop characters? (After dismissing Spielberg, I’m quoting the movie. Good job, Aral). This is the World War 2 version of that. All the clichés work because you think that’s how it all went down, if not somehow even darker. All the violence work because it’s quick, angry and not dramatized. You see dead bodies in the mud, only to serve as road dirt. You see guts everywhere. You want to see dead Nazis everywhere (Even if the film isn’t really interested in ‘Murrican Patriotism, you hate Nazis naturally).

The tank scenes are wonderfully done. While the trailer and posters flaunt this movie as “Just Brad Pitt and a tank” it’s actually more than that because you need at least five more guys to operate a fucking tank and they’re all well drawn. If you’re following my reviews often, I guess you’re used to my long sentences on how I think human beings are actually terrible things at heart. This one doesn’t support the other way. Give man a power and he’ll exploit it. You may root for an American soldier invading a German citizen’s home because he’s not raping and killing everyone he sees. That doesn’t mean he’s not fucking breaking and entering. Well, you might argue it’s his job and he also helped the poor woman. But it’s all perspective. His fellow buddies wouldn’t be that nice if they had the chance. If that’s not the purest form of being a human with power, I really don’t know what is.

I also recommend the soundtrack. I tend to listen more music at work nowadays and I usually pick something instrumental to concentrate better (except Shia LaBeouf!). Steven Price’s original music with some choir really does the trick.

I’ll follow David Ayer from now on. Also, dear DC Comics, give Suicide Squad to this guy. Pay accordingly. You lost Duncan Jones to the fucking Warcraft movie.

#film Magic in the Moonlight


What does every single Windows operating system and Woody Allen film have in common? The “one year good and one year bad” cycle. You know the jokes. Windows XP? Best thing ever. Vista? Ugh! Windows 7? Yaay! 8? Blegh. Match Point? OMG. Scoop? Eww. Midnight in Paris? Mon fucking dieu. To Rome with Love? Nope. So, after the smashing performance of Blue Jasmine, I kinda knew we’d be getting some naïve and cute small story. We’re getting Emma Stone as an old timey dame. Also as a fraud harlot. And we have Colin Firth, CBE (Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, a grade within the British order of chivalry) to be a bitter, sarcastic, cynical atheist, science worshipper, DARCY-ish narcissistic gentleman. The catch? He’s typecast with only a slight twist. Here, he is a magician. He’s Dorian Gray’s Lord Henry Wotton again. (Gah, how underappreciated that movie was. Just listen to its soundtrack). Apparently in the 1920’s, you could be some magician and still maintain a sophisticated as fuck appearance out of your costume.

He meets Emma Stone just to prove her there isn’t any real magic involved anywhere in the world. Because the real world is a boring place, and then you die. Then he gets mesmerized by the cuteness of Emma Stone (who wouldn’t?) and starts to believe magic might be real. Of course it fucking is not. He’s getting conned. Y’know, the smarter a dude is, or the smarter he thinks he is, the easier he is taken. Self-awareness isn’t ever useful. Your entire life force can consist of sarcasm but you’ll still probably end up wanting to believe that the hot bitch is really interested—oh, did I get carried away? Yeah, sarcastic assholes are always, always right and they’re not that happy about it. They want to get deceived and when they actually are, they get to say their favorite quote. I fucking told you so. Then again, the film ends on a way too positive note because the only magic in real life is love. I dunno, is it?

The film, by the way, is another period piece; full of gorgeous scenery with great use of classical music. It makes you feel like if you’re enjoying it, then you’re some kind of an intellectual because its whole premise is a bait on intellectuality. But you can’t shake off the feeling that you had watched one of those dozens of times and you won’t return your home with your goddamn Bentley.

#film Transcendence


The future makes the rules.

The future makes the rules, so there’s no point in being mad when the future wins. In fact, the easiest way for any cutthroat person to succeed is to instinctively (and relentlessly) side with the technology of tomorrow, even if that technology is distasteful. Time will eventually validate that position. The only downside is that — until that validation occurs — less competitive people will find you annoying and unlikable.

The future will retire undefeated, but it always makes a terrible argument for its own success. The argument is inevitably some version of this: “You might not like where we’re going, and tomorrow might be worse than yesterday. But it’s still going to happen, whether you like it or not. It’s inevitable.” And this is what people hate. They hate being dragged into the future, and they hate the technocrats who remind them that this is always, always, always happening. We tend to dislike cultural architects who seem excited that the world is changing, particularly when those architects don’t seem particularly concerned whether those changes make things worse. They know they will end up on the right side of history, because the future always wins. These are people who have the clearest understanding of what technology can do, but no emotional stake in how its application will change the lives of people who aren’t exactly like them. [They know the most and care the least . . . and they kind of think that’s funny.] Certainly, this brand of technophobia has always existed. As early as 1899, people like H. G. Wells were expressing apprehension about a future “ruled by an aristocracy of organizers, men who manage railroads and similar vast enterprises.” But this is different. This is about the kind of person who will decide what that future is.

This is one of my favorite quotations, ever. (It’s from Chuck Klosterman’s I Wear the Black Hat) I waited for an opportunity to use this on my blog and what better chance to use it on a review of an anti-technology film? Transcendence is a knock-off of a Christopher Nolan film. His Director of Photography directed it. That’s why we’re bombed with symbolic (even if it’s kinda pretentious and lame) photography.  It has an all-Nolan cast but it crucially lacks the genius of Nolan.The script is slow moving and missing an ultimate payoff (District 9 is the god of payoff). You can’t shake off the fact that the cast is underused, (Kate Mara and Rebecca Hall are in my top 5 Hollywood gals list), Johnny Depp is only there to draw more attention, Morgan Freeman is against an ALL SEEING BIG BROTHER EYE just like the one Batman used in The Dark Knight. Granted, the story is actually interesting but it is incredibly low scaled. You seriously want to ask Pfister to collaborate with Micheal motherfucking Bay to reshoot the third act.

Then again, I actually liked the story, because I want technology to take over. You have a new technological device? I’m in the line. The film flaunts what Siri, ScarJo from Her or S1m0ne couldn’t ever imagine to do. You feel excited to see what technology will bring but you are let down when the third act is completed with 50 people tops. SKYNET wouldn’t work like that. Plus, because this isn’t actually a Nolan film, our misogyny is limited. Yeah, girls shouldn’t do science because their emotions will compromise their decision making. But we also have a blonde Kate Mara with tattoos, so fuck her more talented but less beautiful sister again. Eh, nothing much to say. You can’t make a Nolan film without Nolan. Can we just see Interstellar?

Not really recommended.

#film Gone Girl


Why the fuck people are in a rush to get married exactly? I mean, people just over 25 are jumping each other’s’ throats to get wed. I know most of their parents were married in their early twenties but doesn’t marrying that early kind of feel archaic now? Like, think of the low salaries, just being graduated from college and needing to see at least a bit more of the world. Do people really need free and constant fucking with one person at least for ten years this much? Can’t they find someone casual to fuck? Better yet, what forces them to stay married? Is there a code besides marriage-saving-babies to not get a divorce? Does the Catholic view of marriage still at large?

Gone Girl is a thriller which spotlights the journey instead of the destination. You take your dream girl in the form of an aristocratic cool girl from New York and a dream boy, handsome and cool, from some redneck backwoods. Cool girl’s elite parents always constrain her with subtext in the name of their children’s book. You can’t play cello? Amazing Amy is a world class musician now! You can’t play tennis? Look, she won the children’s cup! You can’t get married? We’re making an Amazing Amy book 30 years later just to make you feel low. We’re psychologist parents and we know how to do passive-aggressive, bro. Then our cool girl, way too smart for her own good, marries a dumb but handsome, semi-redneck and charming regular dude. So, she’s kind of a genius and has every right to think that their marriage will be different than EVERY OTHER MARRIAGE BEFORE?

This is essentially why I liked Gone Girl. Not the whodunit factor, of which you can guess the twist midway through. Whenever you date someone, you always feel like the person you’re dating isn’t the person you thought you’re dating at all. Here, it’s beautifully taken to the extreme and one of the girls we’re watching the film together insisted that every girl is capable of murdering someone. Well, of course they fucking are. That’s the human nature. Do you think there is anyone out there in the world that hasn’t fantasized about offing someone? Chances are you know the next Mother Theresa or the individual you’re talking to is fucking lying. Yes, we tend to not commit crimes and spill blood in real life but most of the carnage here is psychological. Thanks to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’s chilling soundtrack, even when nothing of significance is on screen you feel thrilled. (I’m still listening to the OST at work and feel more focused on what I do. Amazing, amazing soundtrack!)

Amazing Amy is never going to let a man. Author’s words. While you can argue about the depths that could be reached, I would like to quote Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray: “What is it that has really happened? Someone has killed herself for love of you. I wish that I had ever had such an experience. It would have made me in love with love for the rest of my life. The people who have adored me—there have not been very many, but there have been some—have always insisted on living on, long after I had ceased to care for them, or they to care for me. “.  If someone is killing herself for you, is that the real act of love? What does it mean to kill someone else in the name of love? Don’t we praise Romeo and Juliet more than enough? Why can no one empathize with Amy? (I am in no way approving her fucking psychopathic acts, but it is a way of showing some kind of twisted love.)

Another thing: One of the pivotal moments of the film was how our dumb redneck does the same move to every other girl ever. Yes, women know we cheat. We usually get away with it. But what makes them crazy (well, remember who we’re dealing with here) is the complete disregard for what is sacred between two people. You can get away with fucking a big-tit young model; but if you’re using the exact methods which already made you fuck the one you’re cheating on and if that is heard or read (Always delete your iPhone messages), that’s what gets you in trouble. Not the tits.

Needless to say, this being the 47th and 49th films of my 2014 Cinema diary, I loved the film. I could compare it to the book (GUESS WHAT? TWO PAGES OF EMOTIONS ARE COMPRESSED INTO FIVE SECONDS OF A FACIAL IMPRESSION. HOW COULD IT BE?) but I really couldn’t do it without sounding like I am nitpicking. (Where is Amazing Amy’s best girl friend from school? That would have made a better story than spitting into that tramp’s lemonade. Why weren’t there any scenes of Amy writing the book called AMAZING in the film’s ending?) For a movie that runs for 2 hours and 35 minutes, act three was still rushed and non-readers might not get why she’s forcing him in the marriage and why, besides fearing for his own life and his child, he is eager to stay.

For a quick performance review, Ben Affleck was already in the fucking book with his ass-chin. However, I thought Amy’s “cool girl” would be something more sympathetic, nothing Dexter-like. Rosamund Pike gorgeously flaunts with cold blooded looks like a goddess New Yorker, but you can’t actually think she’s playing some PlayStation game with his husband just to look cool. She is the Amazing Amy you can be in love with but she’s definitely not the Amazing Amy in the books.

Definitely recommended to the extreme that if you don’t like this movie, I probably won’t discuss any films with you until further notice.

#update #film #books Gone Girl


So ‘murricans are already watching this (with $38 million weekend) and we have to wait until friday. (Not to fight with our national holiday juggernaut I guess). When I saw Fincher name is attached, I immediately read its book to prove I’m better than you, so comparisons of the film to book and all that jazz will be in my review.

But to hype you up, I’m sharing the infamous cool girl rant.

“That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: ‘I like strong women.’ If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because ‘I like strong women’ is code for ‘I hate strong women.’)
I waited patiently – years – for the pendulum to swing the other way, for men to start reading Jane Austen, learn how to knit, pretend to love cosmos, organize scrapbook parties, and make out with each other while we leer. And then we’d say, Yeah, he’s a Cool Guy.

But it never happened. Instead, women across the nation colluded in our degradation! Pretty soon Cool Girl became the standard girl. Men believed she existed – she wasn’t just a dreamgirl one in a million. Every girl was supposed to this girl, and if you weren’t, then there was something wrong with you.
But it’s tempting to be Cool Girl. For someone like me, who likes to win, it’s tempting to want to be the girl every guy wants. When I met Nick, I knew immediately that was what he wanted, and for him, I guess I was willing to try. I will accept my portion of blame. The thing is, I was crazy about him at first. I found him perversely exotic, a good ole Missouri boy. He was so damn nice to be around. He teased things out in me that I didn’t know existed: a lightness, a humor, an ease. It was as if he hollowed me out and filled me with feathers. He helped me be Cool Girl – I couldn’t have been Cool Girl with anyone else. I wouldn’t have wanted to. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy some of it: I ate a MoonPie, I walked barefoot, I stopped worrying. I watched dumb movies and ate chemically laced foods. I didn’t think past the first step of anything, that was the key. I drank a Coke and didn’t worry about how to recycle the can or about the acid puddling in my belly, acid so powerful it could strip clean a penny. We went to a dumb movie and I didn’t worry about the offensive sexism or the lack of minorities in meaningful roles. I didn’t even worry whether the movie made sense. I didn’t worry about anything that came next. Nothing had consequence, I was living in the moment, and I could feel myself getting shallower and dumber. But also happy.”

and here are the girls who I forced to read the book over the summer. (Actually one of them read it even before me but we do not welcome book worms here, can you guess which one is that?)


#Film Sin City: A Dame to Kill For


Eva Green can save anything. The 300 sequel is soulless? Just add Eva, she’ll take care of it. No one wants a Sin City sequel and it’s been almost a decade after the first one? Just add Eva, but let her show her tits a tad longer. IN, LIKE, ALL OF HER SCENES! Our generation knows noir from Max Payne and he partied his ass on Brazil in Max Payne 3: Hunt for the Brazil Booty so, before talking about The Maltese Falcon or anything, please mind this, we know how detective stories supposed to work even if we have never watched a good noir Hollywood film at the theatres. This is why the stylish first Sin City has a good spot in our memories. Because that feels like what noir films are all about.

Monotone, boring growls. All voices should be deep and wide. Even Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Heck, I want to play PlayStation and drink with this guy. He clearly only picks awesome things and looks like having a blast with those awesome things every single time. Also, t minus five years, every alternate girl will wet herself even more when he stars in, directs and produces the Sandman films. Finally, please watch Don Jon. Why did no one watch Don Jon?  For me, that’s the second best rom-com, after Closer (smiley here).

Just like Eva Green, this film also takes notes from 300 to become a prequel and a sequel at once. I admire the try, just like the Saw films. Every single year they held on to a continuity like a Jew’s gold sack; but as the audience, every single year, we only remembered a maximum of two deaths, total. But they cared and it was admirable. That’s the case here too; but it is too bad that nothing but Eva Green’s acting is worth anything. Thanks to Frank Miller, every man is a scumbag with slightly variable motives and every woman is a whore. Alba’s stripper is hardly final act material; but did I praise Eva Green enough? Not just for her boobies. She is what femme fatale’s are supposed to be. She’s what I wanted to see on my first bad girl experience ten years ago. Hating her guts but not being able to resist. She fares wonderfully.

Great visuals, fun killing and somewhat okay storyline. Nothing to make you desire to watch it again (after you screen capture some Eva Green poses); but enjoyable when you do it for the first time.

#Film The Expendables 3

The Expendables 3 New Banner

Here’s the contradiction: the whole premise of the Expendables series is the nostalgia factor. Which I don’t know if I’m actually qualified. Sure, while every other serious critic cringed at the “I’ll be back. You’re back enough; I’ll be back this time. Yippee-Ki-Yay” banter of the second film I loved all comebacks and the cheesiness. “What about the Hague, huh? I am the Hague” makes this one for me, but I have a feeling that most of the audience will not care about the reference unless you throw a Dredd helmet on the mud somewhere.

I love this series because of a simple idea: manliness. Brainless action movies should exactly be like our playtime with action figures (which were mostly based on childhood action movies we watched on our TVs) so, when Captain America’s third act was exactly like me playing with my toys, I cheered. Also, even though I am all in for dark and gritty every time (which is a slowly fading trend now, thanks to that damn tree from the Guardians of the Galaxy), I don’t think overly complicating things for the sake of it works on action movies. Bourne films do not work for me for that reason. The remake of Total Recall was the exact text book example of this. The Expendables should never give in to this. Give me an incredibly charismatic villain who wreaks havoc only to die by Stallone’s hand every single time. I will not be bored. Van Damme’s ending is equally fun to Gibson’s ending, even if it’s only a reskin and a super move repack as a new thing.(This argument can also be used on Assassin’s Creed series. Same game different costume every single time. I know, I know…) ME FIRST! ME FIRST!! Guy, I paid my respect to the cast and did not immediately watch the leaked version. But the movie made half of what the second one made at the box office, so I guess not all the fans are feeling sensible about this. Dunno, I’ll pay for a Kickstarter to watch The Expendables IV if I have to, those guys are not immortals (I think).

So, what can be criticized about The Expendables 3? The lack of the old cast? The never-ending introduction of the new cast? The body count? Naaaah, you can’t really criticize this film as you can’t criticize Rambo films today. As film blatantly cheers they are so old, they’re immune to criticism. “YOU TRY TO DO ALL THESE STUNTS AT SIXTY, YOU CAN’T EVEN JUMP NOW YOU FAT FUCK FACE” is all the criticism you need. They blow shit up and you cheer. If you’re not capable to cheering for some old dude blowing some shit up and feel obligated to bitch about this, I hate you and please do check what ticket you’ve just bought to watch which goddamn film. I’m okay with suggesting some improvements with faggy non-prescription glasses “I thought cinematography was weak, “ or “The third act could be better with 20 more tanks”; but if you’re angry at this film because it’s about old people shooting shit up with no particular script, then you’re a fucking idiot. Try to enjoy things for fuck’s sake.

Also, Antonio Banderas was incredibly fun as an old, Spaniard Deadpool.

#Film Guardians of the Galaxy

guardian-of-the-galaxy-posterFirst thing I’ve just got to get it off my chest is I always thought I love comic book adaptations because I seriously invested in them for nothing less of two decades. I smugly smiled at every single fan service reference and yelled “Blasphemy!” for every single new artistic rendering that is different than the original source material (excluding Watchmen’s ending and including Spider-Man’s organic webs with spades). I loved how ugly and virgin nerds’ escape-universes were exposed to the world and became general public domain. When Marvel announced Guardians of the Galaxy, for the first time of blockbuster-territory comic book adaptations (not including no-name ones, as we referenced on this post), I did not know jackshit about it! Were they some idiotic D-list heroes? Why should I give a fuck to a furry and a tree and a fake God of War and a Green Avatar Na’vi princess? Due to my usual DC Comics blind and blatant fanboyism, I wanted to see this brave and almost farfetched idea fail miserably. Because I and people dumber than me are what’s wrong with the industry.

Yeah? Now I respect Marvel Studios even more. They made this work. They totally made it work. Science fiction movies are risky and no-name super heroes? Even more risky. You just end up asking who the fuck are those guys even on its trailer and their trailer was poking fun with who the fuck those guys are, too. Five incredibly distinguishable characters pew pewing and wreaking havoc across the galaxy and setting up and teasing next Marvel arc seamlessly. Do you remember that big purple after credits guy from the Avengers? No? THEN FUCK YOU, CASUAL WATCHER. You’re only looking at nonsense with your brain options muted and probably thinking something else but slowly, the epic battle of Avengers 3 is shaping up and sweet, sweet continuity. They can begin the next Avengers with Howard the Duck if they wanna (I thought he was in the film but I missed his cameo) and Iron Man can beat the face of Chris Pratt (which I assumed they aimed for, because the new run of the Guardians of the Galaxy comics started with Iron Man in it. I’m sure they approached Robert Downey Jr. first and he rejected, also now they’re making Thor a chick and Cap black but they’re not touching Iron Man? A slight redesign only? Ugh. Iron Man is boring now.) Oh, Chris Pratt? Here’s The Chris Pratt Guide to Getting Super Ripped:


The other cast is great too. Vin Diesel’s tree saves the film, Rocket Raccoon will be a fan favorite to all evil 12 year olds (and who refuses to mentally age a day over 12, like me) The green alien chick is kinda hot, but the blue robot alien chick is way hotter. With great face, you actually don’t need hair. The villain is kinda one noted (another blue dude, with a hammer) Thanos looks greatly intimidating and you root to see him bashing Robert Downey Jr.’s skull in when the time comes.

Let’s face it. The fat idiot from Parks and Rec is the next Han Solo now. Until Looper’s Rian Johnson takes over the Star Wars franchise, this will reign better than the Star Wars. For once in my life, when checking the comics afterwards, I thought if I should consider this canon or should I wait for the sequel. Greatly recommended.