Prepare for my non-biased, non-fanboy, not jealous of Marvel and totally objective* initial thoughts of the upcoming Superhero adaptations. As usual, we’re getting 2 to 4 Superhero films each year and some of them really look interesting to watch. Then again, I’ll be over thirty by the time a new Green Lantern movie hits, so let’s see how my thoughts will change over the years.
(*Fuck you, Marvel)
Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1st, Marvel)
Before I declare my initial lack of hype for this sequel, let me add that I watched the first Avengers three times at the theatre. For starters, I have never read any of the Ultron series but I know he’s created by Hank Pymm, who we’re supposed to see just two and a half months later but somehow isn’t even in here as a cameo. We’re getting rumors of all kinds of cameos for the next 6 years in this film, so I think we should have him too. Then again, that Pinocchio music at the trailer and recently released “who is worthy of Thor’s hammer” bit makes me more excited than the first. I’m sure this will be a blast. But I’m not that excited for it.
Ant-Man (July 17th, Marvel)
Edgar Wright, sad face. I love Edgar Wright like I love Duncan Jones or Neill Blomkamp. I love how they play with regular scripts and texts and create something fun for people who have already watched way too much movies for their lifetime. So, when he dropped out I felt bad but I know Marvel does fun (Guardians of the Galaxy!) and action way better than everyone, so I guess Ant-Man won’t suck under the helm of Peyton Reed (who?)
Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (March 25th, DC Comics)
At this point, this film has to redefine everything we know about comic book adaptations. Everyone is ready to attack DC Comics because of the mixed reviews of Man of Steel and any inconsistencies in this film will be open season for shooting. Sure, I am a massive DC Comics fan, I love Batman beyond every other superhero ever (I also love Batman Beyond too) but I can sympathize with the internet. Every single scene should be perfectly executed for this and if its script is worse than the fake script we read six months ago, then even I can’t really defend this movie anymore. But I’m trying to remain optimistic. Because, Batman.
Captain America: Civil War (May 6th, Marvel)
This is why Marvel didn’t move their release date when both DC and Marvel slated their films. I was eager to support DC because Cap himself would never stand against both Batman and Superman, but now they have their reason. Civil War series is the only big Marvel crossover event I really loved (I also liked House of M but it was more of a what if storyline without actual continuity and it is widely forgotten now). Sure, not having Spider-Man in it will suck, they can’t just cameo every single crazy side character on screen but Captain America 2 was just great and the same guys are doing this film, so I have all the faith for it.
Suicide Squad (August 5th, DC Comics)
Did anyone watch Batman: Assault on Arkham? It was actually a Suicide Squad film with a cameo and I think it was the best DC Animated Universe film to date. They got two years for this but I’m still somewhat skeptical to think DC is going to make this happen. I’m all on board because Deathstroke, Deadshot and Harley damn Quinn are great characters to see on screen. Then we have a bunch of silly ones like King Shark, Yo-Yo, Captain Bumerang.. As a gritty and sadistic anti-hero film, this would be great for my liking but let’s see something, anything, about this first.
Doctor Strange (November 4th, Marvel)
All they need to throw in this film is Tom Hiddleston so all the tumblr girls who love him and Cumberbatch would wet their seats so hard, their stains on cinema seats would be there for at least two months. I think Doctor Strange should be a more seasoned guy but who am I to judge, magic realms are pretty meh anyways.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (May 5th, Marvel)
WOOOOOO. My favorite “who the fuck are those guys actually” film sequel. First one will end up being a better Star Wars movie than Episode VII probably, so I look forward to this more than that and the Avengers 2. I even loved their just scribbled upon no-effort title card. 2017 will be a good year for Superheroes.
Wonder Woman (June 23rd, DC Comics)
Yay! At least we’re getting the obligatory “the important chick superhuman film or if we don’t all those feminazis and doormats and faggots will shoot us in sight. As if chick superhero films work, meh” movie before Marvel! Marvel’s girl film is way less important than Wonder Woman in every aspect, so I’m kinda glad we’re getting Gal Gadot doing stuff first. (I would get Thor’s Lady Sif instead of her but Gal is divinely beautiful so, eh.)
Thor: Ragnarok (July 28th, Marvel)
More Tumblr girl stuff. I kinda liked the second Thor film but a trilogy feels dragging it. He’s not that interesting of a character because he’s not brutally and mythologically murdering everyone he sees. Marvel guys are already exaggerating this film’s importance for setting up the upcoming films so, if it has less of a Tumblr appeal and more hacking and slashing, all right.
Black Panther (November 3rd, Marvel)
Obligatory Black Dude film. I have almost zero interest for this. I loved the concept art, making his fabulous necklace a part of the costume. But I don’t know about his villains and I don’t know anything about T’Challa except he got hitched to Storm from the X-Men and they cannot do that because of Fox so, eh.
Justice League (November 17th, DC Comics)
All I wonder is if they are shooting this film with Batman v. Superman or not. Obviously I am more excited to see this on screen more than anything. But in accordance with my other preconceived opinions, I need to see something first. This could be the greatest Superhero film ever done or it can be another Green Lantern all over again. New 52’s opening act for Justice League felt like the most generic hero team up ever, so I hope they’re not adapting that here.
The Flash (March 23rd, DC Comics)
I love the character and read all his New 52 issues so far. The TV series is also growing on me, for I don’t like Green Arrow and don’t want to be left behind anymore. I hope they tackle the Rouges instead of Gorilla Grodd but given that the DC Comics adaptations infamously hate their silly comic book origins, we probably would get them first.
Avengers: Infinity War, Part I (May 4th, Marvel)
So Captain America will probably die in Civil War and Iron Man will die in this one. They’re already flirting with the option of a full roaster change, so this will be another “see you next year, wink wink” film. It’ll be fucking epic though. After waiting Thanos to kick some ass for five years, it damn sure should pay off.
Captain Marvel (July 6th, Marvel)
Ah! Marvel’s sad attempt on “of course girls also can be superheroes but not Black Widow, she’s boring, look, a hot blond who can fly please like us feminazis” the film. Carol Danvers? Blegh. She’s so overwritten and retconned and stuff, no one cares if they reinvent a completely new backstory for her.
Aquaman (July 27th, DC Comics)
My favorite non-Batman character! Hooray! I know the old Super-Friends cartoon renders Aquaman pretty useless but he’s a badass in the New 52. From day one (that means 2011) I followed Aquaman with great vigor and I’m on board with using a savage Game of Thrones barbarian bastard as Arthur, too. I love the Throne of Atlantis (That should make Justice League 2, I mean, Justice League Part II will make Justice League 2 but they’ll probably end up sharing a punch contest with Darkseid a bit much further so, I hope for a JL: Throne of Atlantis in 2024 even if I’m married with children. I guess.)
Inhumans (November 2nd, Marvel)
Wasn’t the leader of the Inhumans have a capability of screaming so loud? That’s all I care about Inhumans. Let’s see the casting and a trailer and I dunno, a good comic book first?
Shazam! (April 5th, DC Comics)
They have an army. We have a ROCK. ROCK! Rock is the ultimate boy movie audience gatherer. I’m really glad DC bagged him before Marvel tried to use him as Luke Cage and earned another billion dollars on a boring street level character that should only be reserved for TV. (Hello Daredevil) The character isn’t all that interesting again, but The Rock is always nice.
Avengers: Infinity War, Part II (May 3rd, Marvel)
By now I said everything about the Avengers. This should be the ultimate comic book adaptation in the event of a Justice Leauge failure. Let’s also see if Bucky is going to make a good Captain America or will they enforce a female Thor in this one. I’m waiting for a great Tony Stark death on comics in this five years and I dunno, a Tony Stark Jr. from some random accident? There probably will be.
Justice League, Part II (June 14th, DC Comics)
Oh hooray, We’ll be watching the same film twice in a year. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC. Please make this work DC.
Cyborg (April 3rd, DC Comics)
Obligatory Black Dude film from DC. He doesn’t even has a solo title, how the heck will they make this work aside from countless cameos? We’ll see if I continue to care about this kind of stuff (I probably will, when I was 16, I would think I’d already be a fucking millionaire.)
Green Lantern (June 19th, DC Comics)
I hope this will be the Obligatory Black Dude Film 2 but Idris Elba will be a grandparent by 2020. Will we have any new black cool dudes except him or Will Smith? Oh, sorry for my casual racism.
So, in summary, I don’t wanna believe in Marvel but I do, I want to believe in DC Comics but I really can’t. Let’s see together how it’s going to go down.